Bloxberg.com

Charlie Rings the Bell!

2010-10-20T18:45:00.001-07:00

Today, Charlie fulfilled a dream of hers—she got to ring the bell at her swim school.

For quite some time Charlotte has seen her big sister Samantha earn numerous medals and ribbons upon passing the final skills of various swim classes at Love to Swim. Shortly after starting a preschool-level 2 swim class this summer, Charlie excitedly asked on numerous occasions, "When do I get to ring the bell?"—unaware that she had to pass eight skills before she could partake in such an honor. Well, last Wednesday (October 13) Charlie completed the final two skills of her class, and Mommy was informed that Charlie could ring the bell after today's class. Charlie was thrilled when she received her medal, which read "Winner" on one side and "#1" on the other. And she was also excited to see that her new curriculum wristband, which the coaches use to mark off completed skills, is a bright pink.

My Best Art Ever...

2010-10-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

Charlie, like Sam, has developed quite an interest in drawing and painting. A two-sided easel sits near our dining table so the girls can draw to their hearts' content.

Well, tonight Charlie was inspired to draw a picture of none other than Sammy. Upon applying the finishing touches to her masterpiece, Charlie declared, "This is my best piece ever!"

It should be noted that less than a week earlier, Charlie first uttered the aforementioned remark after drawing this rainbow.

Sam, annoyed with her sister's repeated phrase, seemed relieved when Mommy snapped a picture of her lovely art piece—a flower with a smiling tree (that Sam insisted had two noses).

Bikes and a Bucking Hog

2010-10-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Now that the weather has finally cooled down some, David took Sammy and Charlie on a bike outing today so the girls could ride around and get some fresh air. Plus, Mommy needed a break and wanted the house to herself for a few hours!

Hard to believe but true—this was the first time the girls had been on their bikes in months. They went the entire summer without riding around because of the heat and humidity. Texas summers suck!

OK, first stop—Leon Springs Elementary, where Sammy attends kindergarten. Charlie looked quite fierce as she pedaled around on her tricycle.

Next stop—Mi Casa Tamales, an awesome restaurant in Boerne that serves yummy tamales (like you couldn't tell from the restaurant's name what the cuisine was). The girls rode a coin-operated bucking hog. As the video reveals, Sam had quite a lot of fun at first until her rear end starting hurting because she was sitting on the hog's caboose.

And finally, the girls were in the mood for a spa treatment but settled for a bike ride in front of an empty salon and spa up the road from our neighborhood.

Bike Rodeo

2010-09-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

Now that Sammy's in elementary school, we're learning all about activities and events that, while new to us, have been around for a while. One of those events is the annual bike rodeo.

Elementary schools throughout San Antonio have bike rodeos, which allow children of all grade levels to practice bike safety by navigating through a series of obstacle courses. Some schools only award medals or trophies to riders who place first, second, and third. Others, such as Leon Springs—Sammy's elementary school—provide ribbons to all the participants and award trophies to the first-place, second-place, and third-place finishers in each grade level.

We were concerned about how Sammy would do. We hoped that she'd have fun but wondered if she'd feel self-conscious, get frustrated, and give up. Much to our relief, Sammy not only completed all the courses but she had a great time doing so! And she capped off her adventure by drinking a bottle of cold water and devouring some salty pretzels.

Jump the Shark

2010-09-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

It is the 33rd anniversary of Happy Days' "Jump the Shark" episode, which is airing today. I was on the beach that day when Fonzie jumped the shark, vacationing at a friend's beach house. It wasn't a big deal at the time, as jumping the shark wasn't part of the American lexicon, but now it is a fun party story.

Bald Again

2010-09-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

It's been two years since I started growing my hair after years of being bald. With help from a beauty salon and their chemicals, my hair was long enough to put in a pony tail, but it stopped growing an longer than shoulder length. I wanted waist-length hair, but it wasn't going to happen. So I chopped it off last night. I am bald once again.

Charlie

2010-09-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

Kids are such sponges. Nana Dee sat down with Charlie during our California vacation and taught her in a matter of minutes to write her name. At the time Charlie had little idea what the letters were, but now she recognizes all the characters and writes her name over and over again.

Canon 20D

2010-09-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

This is the first photo I took with my Canon 20D–Baby Sammy and Lisa–photographed on February 17, 2005, 5:29 p.m. I must have been very excited, unpacking the Amazon box and finally shooting with a digital SLR. I immediately fell in love with it.

And here's the last photo I took with it–Charlie and Tinky Winky–photographed on December 21, 2009, 11:49 a.m. I know I was excited when I took this because my new Canon 7D was on its way from Amazon.

I was kind of sad tonight when I packed up the 20D, having just sold it on eBay. A photographer in Indianapolis bought it. I figured since I hadn't used it in over nine months, I might as well sell it and make some cash.

Digging Dinosaurs

2010-09-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

We took a chance today that the Witte Museum wouldn't be overrun with visitors during a holiday weekend that was also the last weekend for a popular dinosaur exhibit. Charlie was a baby the last time we saw some animatronic dinosaurs at the museum.

Well, our timing was perfect! We arrived shortly after the museum opened (noon), and the girls had only to wait a minute or two before they were able to climb onto the pretty elephant statue outside the entrance.

Once indoors, we made a beeline for the dinosaur exhibit (well, after we paid for our tickets). Charlie wasn't quite sure what to make of the massive dinosaurs, particularly the ones that roared. But to her credit, she never cried. And after seeing the little animatronic dinos up close, Chas thought they were quite cute. Sammy totally dug the big guys and was happy to pose right near one of the more menacing ones.

Sam's and Charlie's favorite part of the exhibit was the excavation area, where they used small brushes to clear away recycled rubber bits in order to find "dinosaur fossils." The girls had the area to themselves for several minutes, which they quite enjoyed.

Sam's First Day of Kindergarden

2010-08-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

It was Sam's first day at school today. She was pretty nervous, but excited. We walked her in to the cafeteria, where the kids wait for their teachers, and waited with her until the school bell rang. Lisa cried. I teared up a little bit.

Riding Ponies and Picking Berries

2010-08-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

It was a good thing that we made time during our summer vacation to visit Underwood Family Farms. Sam barely fit under the height sign for the pony rides.

There were oodles of fun activities for the girls. They rode a train, climbed atop a mountain of hay bales, ran in and out of an underground tunnel, bopped around in a bounce house shaped like a cow, rode a coin-operated toy tractor, and watched a musical show featuring mechanized chickens.

But the best part of our visit was when the four of us made our way to the strawberry patches to pick fresh strawberries. It should be noted that Lisa and David could never get Sam or Charlie to try strawberries back home during the height of the season. But the minute the girls caught the fragrant whiff of the bright red strawberries at the farm, they were all over them. The Woo-Bloxberg sisters repeatedly declared that they loved strawberries. We'll see if that holds true next summer back home.

Tying Bows

2010-08-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

During our summer trip to So Cal, Sam learned how to tie bows, something she had been struggling to do back home. While Mommy and Daddy had a weekend getaway in Cambria, Morro Bay, and Solvang, Sammy and Charlie spent copious amounts of quality time with Nana and Papa. During that time, Nana showed Sam how to tie bows—and after the first try, Sammy was a pro!

In fact, for the rest of the trip, Sammy chose various ribbons (from a bag that Nana had given her) and quickly tied bows, showing off her finished products to Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Papa, and Charlie. Chas even tried her hand at tying bows—and insisted a few times that she had actually tied a bow—though all that she had done was crumple up the ribbon!

Another Carousel—and Hello Kitty

2010-08-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

One of our favorite carousels is at none other than the Westfield Topanga Mall. The carousel, which we visited last summer, is cool for a couple of reasons. First, it's a two-tiered carousel, which makes it quite unusual. Second, it features an eclectic array of animals—such as a hummingbird, a triceratops, and a dragon. Oh, and it also has a spinning teacup. Sweet.

Sam and Charlie went on the carousel for a total of 11 times—spread out over two visits. They rode five times with Mommy during the first week of the trip, and then rode the rest of the time with Daddy during the second week of the trip. Mommy was glad to take a break during her and the girls' second visit to the mall—she sat with Grandma and ate a cookie.

During both visits to the mall, Sam and Charlie got some cute Hello Kitty toys (including compact mirrors and erasers shaped like toy food). Did they need these expensive, tiny items? Of course not. But the Sanrio store, which sells a slew of Hello Kitty items, is strategically located across from the carousel—within easy viewing distance of little ones' roving eyes.

Carousels and Water Play

2010-08-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

While the princess lunch was the highlight of the day for Charlie and Sammy, the girls had hours of fun ahead of them after they filled their bellies with yummy food and gave hugs to the princesses.

The girls rode the King Neptune carousel several times, looking thoroughly adorable and completely blissful.

After going on several rides at California Adventure, Sam and Charlie got wet and silly at a couple of water play areas.

Once the girls were back in their princess costumes, they were off to get their punims painted. They were now cat princesses—and boy, were they cute!

By the time we left the amusement park, it was about 11 hours after we'd arrived! David and Lisa never imagined that Sam and Charlie would have enough energy (granted, we rented two strollers) to make it that long. As the girls piled into the car, they seemed ready for bed, though they mustered up enough energy to play with some overpriced light-up wands that Mommy and Daddy bought for them minutes before we made our exit.

Princesses for a Day

2010-08-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

Samantha and Charlotte had been talking about the princess lunch at Ariel's Grotto for what seemed like most of the year. The girls couldn't wait to dress up in their princess finery and meet some "real" princesses in California.

David and Lisa splurged the night before the big visit to California Adventure (where Ariel's Grotto is located) by purchasing two glitter-encrusted princess gowns at The World of Disney store in Downtown Disney. Sam—who at the time was in love with the movie, "Beauty and the Beast"—chose a Belle dress, along with a matching wand and crown. Charlie, selected a Snow White costume, despite the fact that she'd never seen the movie, "Snow White" (which was a good thing).

On the big day, the girls received lots of compliments about what pretty princesses they were.

At the restaurant, Sam was bashful at first, as was Charlie, as each princess made her way to the different tables to visit with the customers—particularly the many little girls who were in attendance. By the time the "real" Belle stopped at our table, Sam refused to have her picture taken. David and Lisa worried that Sam would later regret that she didn't say hi to Belle or pose with her. Sure enough, minutes after Belle left, Sam relaxed and asked when she'd see Belle again. David, ever the quick thinker and thoughtful daddy, asked a server if it was possible for Belle to come back around to our table, given that Sam had been bashful earlier. A few minutes later, a server informed David that Belle was in the patio area visiting with guests—and Sam was more than welcome to come outside and have her picture taken with Belle. David and Sam hustled outside (Charlie joined them as well), and Sam gave lots of love to Belle, as well as to the other princesses she saw again.

Before we left the restaurant, Sam and Charlie took one final photo with Ariel. It was a fitting ending to a magical adventure for these two princesses.

Beach Fun

2010-07-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

Now that we no longer live a reasonable driving distance from a beach, trips to the beach are a high priority for our family when we visit So Cal in the summer. During our previous two summer vacations, we discovered a really pleasant beach—Sycamore Cove State Beach in Ventura County—which is about a 25-minute drive from Nana's and Papa's (Lisa's parents') house in Camarillo. There are picnic tables and plenty of sandy areas to set up an umbrella. And the beach doesn't attract the throngs of humanity that a well-known beach, such as Zuma, does.

While David was working in the Bay Area for most of the first week of our trip, Lisa, Papa, Sammy, and Charlie spent three hours one day at Sycamore Cove. The girls couldn't wait to dip their toes in the cold water and collect sand and water to make sand castles. Sammy and Charlie ran around and screamed a lot—they were so excited to be at the beach! Yet despite their high-decibel howls, the girls' voices were often drowned out by the crashing waves.

Sammy and Charlie kept Papa busy. They often wanted him to hold their hands as they waited for the waves to wash over their feet.

Charlie, never one to pass up a tasty treat (particularly one that is a carb), took occasional breaks under the umbrella so she could munch on some snap pea crisps.

Sam was in her element as she crouched like an old Chinese woman, carefully scooping up and packing handfuls of wet sand to make the perfect sand castle.

Sam Graduates from Preschool

2010-06-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

(Lisa reporting)
Before I became a parent, I thought that preschool graduations were silly. I didn't see the point in having what I considered to be a serious and important ceremony to mark a seemingly minor event in a child's life. In fact, when I heard that some preschools allowed the "graduates" to wear mortarboards as they marched to "Pomp and Circumstance," I was floored.

But my outlook completely changed when Samantha (aka Sherbert) came into my life. As I witnessed her many developmental changes, I realized that preschool graduation ceremonies weren't silly at all. David and I had seen firsthand Sam's evolution in preschool—from a shy, clingy child to a friendly, confident young lady.

As I long suspected, Sam's final year at preschool flew by. With a mixture of sadness and joy, I sat in the sanctuary of our synagogue, watching and listening as Sam and her friends filed in one by one to "Pomp and Circumstance." Samantha looked radiant and beautiful. Up on stage, facing an audience that contained many unfamiliar faces, Samantha remained fairly calm—occasionally fidgeting with the straps of her dress, which puffed up a bit as she sat because the dress was a little big on her whippet-thin frame.

I wasn't prepared to cry at the event because there were many happy, proud moments—such as when Sam and her pals sang and danced several times. But when our rabbi's wife, Morah Silvana (who is also the preschool's Israeli dance teacher), talked with great emotion about her amazement at how quickly her daughter Lara (a graduate that night) had grown up at school, I cried. I felt like I was losing my grasp on time—I knew that kindergarten would mark a significant change and milestone in Sam's life. I also knew that once Sam moved to kindergarten—which was less than three months away—she would begin a life that was truly separate from her life at home. No longer would I be able to hang out with my little girl in her classroom, watching her interact with her friends and/or do art projects. Her school experience would now have a lot of structure. I found myself briefly worrying about how Samantha—an extremely affectionate, loving child—would fare in a classroom of 20+ students, after spending the last school year in a class of 8 students.

But when the ceremony ended, all I could do was hug and kiss Sam, and tell her how proud I was of her. And as our family walked the school's hallways to admire the many art pieces that Sam and her friends had created throughout the school year, I felt a tremendous amount of joy. I was also reminded of the first visit that David and I made to the preschool with Sam—back in October 2006. We knew right away that we wanted Sam to go to the school because of the close-knit, warm, loving environment. Moving to San Antonio, and enrolling Samantha in Heintz Preschool, were two of the best decisions we ever made.

Charlie Sings the Hits

2010-05-17T10:53:00.001-07:00

Our Youngest is Three

2010-05-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

We'd been planning Charlie's birthday party for weeks--put a lot of time and money into it--and it seemed to pass so quickly for mom and dad. But for Charlie it was the perfect party. You can really see the joy in her face when her friends sung Happy Birthday.

The Human Pretzel

2010-04-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sammy learned a new trick from one of her preschool friends. She can now put her feet behind her head.

Six Cats

2010-04-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

We were left with one cat (Rose) after Spanky and Panchetta died. Then Rose made friends with a little girl cat and invited her to live in our garage. Well, six weeks ago Lisa found four additional cats in our garage. Rose's friend, who we now call Mama Cat, had a litter of kittens. So we're up to six. Sammy and Charlie has been having a ball playing with the kittens before and after school.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

2010-01-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

Potty Training

2010-01-03T00:00:00.001-08:00

Charlie's been wearing the enamel off our toilet seats with her 20 trips to the toilet per day. She's been really excited about her new trick: the ability to pee on the potty. And she wants everyone to know it. Nothing is sacred, and she has no modesty.

On the other hand, Sam is starting to cherish her privacy. She gets slightly embarrassed if someone sees her naked. She wants privacy in the bathroom. She even asked David to replace the two-year-old photo below because she appears shirtless in it.

Backyard Video

2010-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick video I made of the kids and Lisa with my new camera. I got a Canon 7D and have been playing quite a bit with the video features.

Why I Hate Bendaroos

2009-12-08T13:26:00.001-08:00

So maybe I am being too hard on Bendaroos, but I just spent one highly annoying hour with them—the only bright spot being that it was also an hour spent with my daughter, Sammy. She got the toy for her birthday, and we finally dug into the box this morning while Sam was home sick from school.

First a step back for those not in the know. Bendaroos are an art project toy that come with lightly wax-dipped strings in different colors. A few guide cards are included to show you how to make different animals by using the strings. In other words, the product is a $15 toy that costs the manufacturer $0.50 to make. That's not what annoys me, because the box and cards show all kinds of cool animals you can make. Bendaroos look like a great toy.

What does annoy me is that it's impossible to follow the instructions and produce the art that is depicted on the cards. I'm a professional artist. I sculpt, paint, and photograph—but with a huge amount of help from me, all my daughter could make was the shark shown below. I should add that the toy is meant for children who are 3+. Sammy is 5.

In addition, the shark we made only looked like this for a short time. Although the wax strings are sticky, the shark completely came apart within three minutes. Daddy gives this product a D-. Sammy loves any kind of art project and gave it an A. But I still may distract her with other toys in the future and make her Bendaroos disappear.

Happiness

2009-12-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

Happiness is selling the baby monitor you no longer need.

2.5-Star Vs. 4-Star

2009-11-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

Can someone please tell me how it's possible that I spent $88 for a Friday night stay at the two-and-a-half-star Brenhan, TX Best Western vs. $81 for the next night at the four-star InterContinental Hotel Houston? I just can't make sense of it.

Brenham—population of 13,507—yes, home of and headquarters for Blue Bell Creameries, an ice cream brand that is especially popular in the state of Texas, but still an armpit.

Houston—population 2,200,000—is rated as a world city (a city deemed to be an important node point in the global economic system). Houston's economy has a broad industrial base in the energy, manufacturing, aeronautics, transportation, and health care sectors—and is a leading center for building oilfield equipment. Only New York City is home to more Fortune 500 headquarters in the city limits.

Hmm, $81 vs. $88. Go figure.

Dr. Melton's Palace of Wonders

2009-11-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

I went all out for this year's Halloween show at the house, despite only planning for a total of six weeks. I have no idea how my original idea of a garden of horrors evolved into a full-on freakshow/sideshow with 35 exhibits and one live act. The first thing I made was a giant corpsified daisy (right), but the next thing I knew I was researching sideshow history and making and occasionally buying exhibits. Dr. Melton's Palace of Wonders was born.

In the end, I exhibited a feejee mermaid, shrunken heads from the Amazon, a head hunter's skull, two-headed duck and turtle, the world's largest ball of neckties, Michael Jackson's last bowel movement, Le Pétomane's jarred fart, a chunk of tattooed human flesh and more. Of course, the highlight of the evening was the sideshow tent/banners (below) and my one live act: Kickapoo the Six Foot Man Eating Chicken. Only one kid was bitten, which I think was pretty good.

The goal of the night was to put on a world class show without worrying about cost, but then turn around and sell everything, hopefully breaking even. But when all was said and done, I was featured on SideshowWorld.com, the authority on all things sideshow, and got orders for custom gaffs from real sideshows. And the eBay auctions for my work have been closing with surprising final bids. Even showman John Strong, owner of the largest collection of sideshow oddities in the country, has asked me to help revamp his exhibit signage and has discussed commissioning some large gaffs.

So, like with the creation of Nude Elvis, the joke is on me again. Dr. Melton's Palace of Wonders is a real entity and my professional life is more fragmented than ever.

A view inside The Palace of Wonders:

My best gaff...a 10x10 inch chunk of human flesh with prison tattoos:

Michael Jackson's last bowel movement was a hit...even with the parents of a kid dressed as the Prince of Pop:

My own creation of a Naga head hunter's skull was a hit and cost much less than the $10,000 I could have spent on a real one.

...and what would a sideshow be without a real Feejee Mermaid, made popular by P.T. Barnum:

Sammy Loves Horror

2009-09-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

David is working on a whole new Halloween display this year with sideshow freaks and curiosities, so we have to hit every Halloween store around. Sam really likes the costumes and animatronics. Her favorite today was the animated Michael Myers. Charlie was less than thrilled. Here's Sammy below with her Halloween movie mask.

Five Layers

2009-09-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
In 1997, Lisa and I took a trip to Soquel, CA and found a great table and four chairs that we could afford on a photographer's income. We've really enjoyed redressing the chairs over the years, doing quick and dirty reupholstering from time to time.

Today we did our fifth covering and Sam did most of the work. She unscrewed the seats, stapled the new upholstery (with help from daddy), and then screwed the seats back on. Even Charlie helped out, but her hands were too weak to do anymore than a few turns of the screwdriver.

Charlie Waters

2009-08-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

We're hoping she grows out of it.

Damn Cats

2009-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Seventy-five dollars later and we have a garage door opener that works again. One of the neighborhood strays decided a couple nights ago that the opener's electric eye needed to be marked and it shorted the eye out. Argh!

The bright side of this is that with all the strays in the hills around our house, there are no rats to worry about.

Florescent Lights

2009-07-07T14:54:00.001-07:00

(David reporting)
I made a commitment to florescent lightbulbs last year, replacing almost every incandescent one in the house. But today I changed three in the girls' bathroom back after painting the room a couple shades of purple. I always thought that the light the florescent bulbs emitted had a greenish tint, but boy oh boy, I could really see it after painting the bathroom.

All of the white trim was slightly green when lit and it clashed with the purple—enough that I was forced to change the bulbs.

Too Much Ice Cream

2009-07-03T08:23:00.001-07:00

We're pretty proud that Sam and Charlie don't associate McDonald's with burgers and fries. They've probably only been in one a few times in their lives. Ninety-five percent of the time we eat at home and insist on them eating veggies and fruit. However, the girls do have an ice cream habit.

While they've only been inside McDonald's a few times, they do know the drive-through very well. They think it is an ice cream parlor. They're also very keen on Culver's and Freddy's.

Catching Up, Crystal Anniversary

2009-07-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

We're finally getting a chance to post about our anniversary. This is what happens when you have kids. There isn't time to do anything!

We had our crystal anniversary (15 years) dinner at Perico's and ordered a feast—well, the adults had a feast. Charlie and Sam did their usual grazing on chips and then barely ate their meals. We all had a great time listening to the all-female mariachi band. Sam was really impressed with the trumpeter and told us that she wanted to play a trumpet when she gets older.

Good-bye, Kiddie Park

2009-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Parents either loved it or hated it. It had its problems, but we loved it and now Kiddie Park, the oldest children's amusement park in the U.S., has closed its doors ... we think.

A poorly written San Antonio Express News article tipped us off, but the grade-schoolers masquerading as staff writers weren't very clear about the park's status. Plus, the answering machine at Kiddie Park says it's "temporarily closed." Closed for good or not, it still leaves San Antonio without a carousel, and the Woo-Bloxberg family is very sad.

The above photo is Sammy and her cousins, Hannah and Emma, riding Kiddie Park's boat ride.

Charlie's Freckle

2009-06-29T07:53:00.001-07:00

Charlie has a cute little freckle on the wrist of her left hand. She's had it since birth but hadn't noticed it until today and now she's trying to rub and scratch it off. She seems a little distressed that it will not disappear.

Kaboom!

2009-06-28T07:30:00.001-07:00

(David reporting)
Last week I called 811, the national "Call Before You Dig" number, and asked that someone come out and mark all locations of underground utility lines in our front yard. Lisa and I are planning to put in some rock-lined planter beds and I want to make sure I don't cut any lines when I start pick-axing next week. So, when I got home from errands a few days ago, I was excited to see the spray paint markings on the lawn.

Below is an important photographic example of why all homeowners need to know where their utilities are laid. On the left of the photo is an electrical transformer and on the right is our cable box with paint markings between them showing a buried electrical line (red) and natural gas line (yellow).

And what's that in the middle? A shrub I planted last year. Now, I'm sure that the lines are set a few feet into the ground, but if I'd known that they were there, I wouldn't have swung the pick axe so wildly. I might have dug a little more gently into the ground.

Hot, Hot, Hot!

2009-06-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

We were on our way to meet friends for dinner tonight and noticed that the outside temperature was 107 degrees. That was definitely the high of the day 'cause after we took this photo the temperature settled down to a cool 104. It's 10 p.m. as we write this and it is still 89 degrees with 51% humidity.

My One-on-One with Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
Greil Marcus has long talked about Elvis being a punch line without a joke. The same is true for Michael Jackson. He's been the butt of jokes for a long time and when he died yesterday there seemed to be two camps: those who mourned and those who went right into telling jokes.

I have to admit, I came up with a zinger about an hour after the news broke about his death: The emergency room doctor was taken aback when the priest giving Michael Jackson last rites started crying uncontrollably. A nurse leaned over and told the doctor that the priest was very upset because he'd gone on a bunch of double dates with MJ and was very close.

See what I mean? They come so easily. Here's another: News reports are now saying that the L.A. coroner has announced that MJ died of food poisoning. Apparently, he died after eating 12- year-old wieners. Someone stop me!

Anyway, I started feeling kind of bad after reading a bunch of stories about MJ's life. He was a very sad man with a lot of problems who barely had a childhood—not that that excused his bizarre and possibly criminal behavior. So I reflected on how I treated him when we met in 1986.

He pulled up to the Carvel Ice Cream I worked at and parked in the handicapped spot right outside. It was late and there couldn't have been more than three cars in the lot, so it wasn't really a big deal. But as he walked in—with a young child I might add—and started ordering, I cut him off and asked if he had a handicap placard. When he replied "no," I told him sternly to move the car. He politely went back outside, moved the car and then came back in to order. It was kind of mean of me.

But no meaner than the inevitable punchlines, like me suggesting that he was loosening up the child with sweets before ... you know ... or my regrets for not having asked the child if he was being held against his will when MJ went to move his car.

For Sale In San Antonio

2009-06-25T19:17:00.001-07:00

David's been scouring local classified ads lately for lawn and garden items. He's complied a list of "items" that have piqued his interest:

"6 month old male wallaby, he will still be on the bottle for two more weeks. He is already eating his food. He is gentle and will come with his pouch and pet carrier."(eBay)

"Helen's Little Critters is committed to providing our customers with the best quality pet. Hand-fed Bushbabies...$2,000 each; Kinkajous...$2,400 each; Tamarin Monkeys...$2,300 each." (Helen's Little Critters)

"I have a pair of ring tailed lemurs. We are moving so must sell. they must be out in the country. Male needs to be penned but the female can be let loose." (Craigslist)

"Scimitar Horned Oryx Yearling Pairs for Sale - $1695...We have yearling pairs (male/female)...Ask about our other species of exotics, like zebra, elk, camels and many others..." (Craigslist)

Warren Buffett is to Blame

2009-06-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
A months ago I bought a box of See's Candies at the Las Vegas airport for Lisa. She loves See's! Well, I made the mistake of eating the last chocolate, a scotchmallow, which is one of her favorites. She was annoyed so I had my mom go to her local See's store in California—there aren't any stores in Texas—and buy a box. I wanted her to bring it with her when she visits in a couple weeks. But that plan fell through, so my mom had See's ship a box of dark chocolate nuts and chews to us.

Well the box arrived tonight and when I opened up the packaging, the first thing I noticed was that the cold packs were HOT. Below is what I found inside the box. It's all Warren Buffet's fault, so a customer service rep said See's would send another one to us right away. The heat index here has been in the 100s, so I have little hope for the next box.

We Found Jesus!

2009-06-23T09:01:00.001-07:00

During these hard economic times, we're always looking to make some extra cash. This morning Charlie came across the most amazing Honeycomb (below, top left) ... see Jesus? We were going to sell it on eBay, but before we could put it in safe keeping, she ate it! We could have made big bucks like that lady who found the Virgin Mary on her grilled cheese sandwich.

UPDATE: Some people can't see what we're seeing, so David illustrated it for you below. See it now?

Catching Up, Odds and Ends

2009-06-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

David has battled upper respiratory and sinus infections most of the year, with many trips to the doctor and several antibiotic prescriptions, including a couple antibiotic shots in the tush. But recently, the doctor suggested he start taking a daily allergy pill. Almost immediately David got better. Below is a shot of him after a doctor's visit. He was made to wear a mask because the doctor wasn't entirely convinced that all of his hacking wasn't due to the swine flu.

We continue the yearly battle with the red wasps. This beauty was knocked off of our eaves. David ran as it fell and the wasps started swarming.

Here's a sign of the times that we found in the supermarket checkout line. Apparently, not having a minimum $6,000 for a family insurance policy makes you an idiot in these tough financial days.

The girls had Passover seders at school in April. We noticed this unusually shaped piece of horseradish at Sam's seder.

This is an old photo from March 21. The whole family went to a birthday party for one of Charlie's preschool friends and there was a cool Mickey Mouse pinata that we beat the hell out of. It was actually David's first time hitting a pinata. It was great fun, but now, three months later, "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" is Charlie's favorite TV show. It would probably scar her today, seeing her little boyfriend being torn apart.

Transitioning to the Table

2009-06-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

Charlie is slowly graduating from her high chair to the table.

She can still create a big mess, so we put her back in the high chair for meals that tend to fall apart easily or for dishes with sauces.

Plus, she still likes to fall asleep at the table, so when we sense she's tired we avoid letting her sit in the big people chairs.

Catching Up, Trip to L.A.

2009-06-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
Here's an attempt at catching up on all the events from the last couple+ months...

Sam and I went to L.A. in late March to help my mom pack up her house. My mom sold her house in Northridge, CA and moved into an apartment in my grandmother's building. Of course, our first stop was Papoo's Hot Dog Show in Burbank for some dogs.

Then for the next 48 hours I helped my mom pack and Sam went off to Lisa's parents to visit. It was the first time Sam was ever away from Lisa and me overnight. I found some interesting things while packing, and some disturbing ones...

My mom and stepfather are pack rats and we went through a bunch of dumpsters, throwing out anything that Goodwill wouldn't take. Luckily, my mom and I were thorough, because we found hundreds of dollars in change and bills hidden in boxes. Like I said, they are pack rats.

Finally Done

2009-06-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
My Facebook account is getting way more action than this blog and that's a shame. We'll see if we can't correct that.

So, today I finished a six-month-long construction project, building a play structure in the backyard. The actual building only took about 40 hours, but all the procrastination delayed the project a bit. The holes to sink the main posts were dug in November of last year, but I couldn't wrap my mind around how I was going to cement in the posts by myself and get the whole thing level and square. And the term "dug" isn't really accurate. I had to chisel out three feet of rock for each hole—by hand.

Anyway, this is what the play structure looked like for quite a while:

I bought the slide from Sam's old teacher, Miss Risa. It was the perfect size to connect the upper and lower yards—just what I envisioned. A couple months ago, I started feeling bad about the kids not having anything to play with, so I started building and everything worked out just fine, plus or minus a couple inches and degrees. Below is a photo of the bridge as I started building it.

And today, I finished staining, added the last canopy, and glider swing. Here's the finished product, which will never look this good again as the kids start abusing it:

Monkey Charlie

2009-06-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

That monkey Charlie was bouncing around today and came down hard on the tub edge. She chipped a tooth and after a lot of $$$ and worrying, her dentist assured us the only thing to worry about is school photos for the next five years until her adult teeth grow in.

Neglected Blog

2009-06-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
It's been a long time since we last posted to this blog. Lisa suggested we backdate some posts—we have a ton to write about.

The kids are out of school, Lisa has been working 20-hour weeks, and I've been transitioning to a new (additional?) career in corporate video production—so things have been a little busy. At the end of the day all we have the energy to do is sleep.

I've bought a new video camera, steadycam rig, studio lighting, audio recording equipment, and all the computer hardware and software to tie it all together. Below is Sam playing around with my new mic.

Automotive Bell's Palsy

2009-06-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

In October 2007, as we were preparing to move into our new house, David's van had to be towed to the mechanic when a ball joint broke. The wheel just slumped over.

Well, it happened again today when David was pulling out of a parking space, or something similar. Who the hell knows. The mechanic said something that sounded like Greek and we blindly handed over some cash. Twenty-four hours later the van was fixed.

We really have little to complain about. She turned 109K miles this week (11 years old this year) and hasn't cost much to maintain.

Damn Big Pizza!

2009-06-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
Scott and I tried out an old southside restaurant called Big Lou's Pizza last week. It was pretty awesome and a sad reminder that there are no good pizza places near our house. It takes about 45 minutes to get there, so we won't be going too often. But we took our families back today for lunch. Three small pizzas, one lasagna, two salads and a tray full of desserts later—we all felt like going to sleep under the table.

Big Lou's claim to fame is its 42-inch pizza. Below is a photo of one of the gigantic pizzas at the table next to us. And below that is a video featuring Big Lou himself. The next visiting family gets to go with us to experience one of these treasures.

Charlie's Big Birthday Bash

2009-05-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it wasn't really a big bash ... just a few friends and the Reeps. But Charlie had a great time during the birthday dinner at Big'z Burger Joint. The cake we had was way too big so she got to eat a huge slice of cake. We can't believe Charlie's already two years old!

Sammy's First Boyfriend

2009-04-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sammy has admitted her love for a little boy in her class: Vance. And this Vance fellow has done the same. Apparently, he had his eyes on another little girl in Sam's class, but recently turned his attention to Sam.

Vance is the same little boy who came over for our first girl/boy play date last week during passover/spring break.

Urinal Soccer

2009-04-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
Years ago the maintenance staff at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam etched flies in the porcelain of the urinals. The goal was to reduce "spillage" in the men's restrooms, since given the opportunity, men like to aim at things when they pee.

Well, at last month's Jew Boys Night Out—we went to Guajillo's—I found an even better solution than the fly: urinal soccer. There I am below trying to make a gooooooooooooooooooal.

Interesting Finds

2009-04-03T18:39:00.001-07:00

(David reporting)
Sorry if you are reading this and upset, Ma, but you and your husband are a couple of pack rats!

During the cleanup and packing of my mom's Northridge house, my mom and I sorted through a lot of Goodwill-bound junk, but we also found some great artifacts from our family's past. And since I am the sentimental one in the family who wouldn't think of trashing mementos or selling them on eBay or at garage sales, I get to keep them. To the right is a god-awful, giant die I made for my mom in 7th grade woodshop (this did make its way to the trash).

Here are the tsitsis (aka Tallit katan) my Grandpa Jack wore as a baby 100 years ago...

and some fancy needlepoint cuff links my mom made for him...

plus my duplicate Jolly Green Giant dolls (just in case I lost one). My mom kept sewing and patching as I chewed through them. I love my Jolly Green Giants and plan on sleeping with one tonight.

I love passports. I found some vintage ones that belonged to my grandparents.

There were a lot of other items, but I'll end with my mom's baby shoes, circa 1941.

Arrived in L.A.

2009-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

Sam and David headed off to Los Angeles today to help David's mom pack up her house in Northridge. She's moving to a sweet bachelorette pad in David's grandmother's Studio City apartment building. Actually, David is going to help with the packing—Sam is headed off to her Nana and Papa Woo's house in Camarillo.

Conjunctivitis and Heather Locklear

2009-03-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
I feel bad posting another entry featuring a photo of eyes, especially since I don't want to compare the subjects of the entries. One is about a self-obsessed person who doesn't honor debts (even pre-economy downturn) and the other is my lovely little girl Sammy.

Sammy had conjunctivitis last week and after a round of antibiotics it is gone, but now I have it. This madness has to stop—I've been sick since the beginning of January and it's all because kids are dirty, little germ carriers!! So, I went to the doctor this morning and he prescribed some medicated eyedrops and antibiotics for another sinus infection (yeehaw!), but I left the medicine in the shopping cart at Walmart.

Thank God, Walmart offers $4 prescriptions, so I am only out $8 total. But it got me thinking about the time I went into our local CVS in Oak Park, CA and I found a prescription that someone had forgotten. Who? Heather Locklear.

What was the prescription for? It could have been for a sinus infection, psoriasis or something scandalous like the morning-after pill. But I purposely never looked. Now, I'm not saying that Ms. Locklear has ever had a sinus infection, skin issues or aborted a little, tiny, innocent baby fetus (Psych! I love abortions).

My point is that I didn't look and respected her privacy. I could have made big $$$$ depending what on what was on the label.

Legal Question

2009-03-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
I need legal advice. Can I disclose that a former client of my mine has huge bags and wrinkles under her eyes if her looks are not an essential part of her business? An NDA was entered into for her business and months later I took publicity stills of her. They were heavily retouched to remove 60 years of age from her face, even though she was only in her late 30s at the time. The photos were only related to her business in that she had won an award with some organization and she needed a photo of herself for the ceremony. So what do you think?

Who is she? I cannot tell you until I'm sure I am covered legally, but here's an anagram: Fecal Slug Rot. Don't you just love it when an anagram actually make sense and equates to a person's worth? Hey, Fecal Slug Rot. You still owe me $750.

Weekend Activities

2009-03-23T10:09:00.001-07:00

We had a very busy weekend: two birthday parties, a skating lesson...

and one sick child. Charlie was still getting over her cold and wasn't a happy camper, but Sammy—as always—was around to give her hugs and kisses.

Crazy About Cars

2009-03-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

We're not car people and couldn't care less about what we're driving, as long as it gets us there safely and doesn't cost too much. David's favorite car is still the 1983 Toyota Corolla he bought used for $850 in 1997. He put 45,000 glorious miles on that baby over three years and saved thousands while everyone else was pouring money into their Beamers. That car just wouldn't die, but he sold it anyway and got a much newer 1987 Toyota Tercel for $2,500.

So it came as a huge surprise when Sam saw a convertible the other day and went gaga over it. She said she really wanted one when she got older. So, needing to rent a car for Sam and his L.A. trip at the end of the month, David reserved a Chrysler Sebring convertible. He thought that Sam would get a kick out of it—even if they were denied the windblown hair because L.A.'s traffic doesn't allow you to travel over 10 mph.

Then David's mom—reminiscent of when she told David he couldn't play high school football because it was too dangerous—mentioned to Lisa that convertibles are dangerous. Well, that was the end of the convertible rental. David changed the reservation to a midsize and Sam's dream was put on hold.

Cottage Industry

2009-03-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
First off, if any members of the Fogel or Marcovich families are reading this, stop until after Sunday's birthday party.

Now that we're alone...what do you do when the economy sucks and you have time to fill because of gaps in work? Make accessories for little princesses. Sammy is invited to a joint birthday party for a couple of her classmates this weekend and instead of buying gifts, she and I made some. Well, I did most of the work, but she's been an advisor.

I made a bejeweled scepter and a giant fancy hair bow for each girl. Of course, why make two when you can make four!? Sammy and Charlie are getting them too.

The girls are also getting a Sammy by Numbers™ coloring kit, because princesses need to color too.

Feral Hogs

2009-03-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

There really isn't much difference between our home in San Antonio and our old one in Southern California. Most of the wildlife we had there is here—coyotes, snakes, bobcats, and mountain lions—but now we have to contend with feral hogs.

Most of the time the only evidence that they're around is mangled landscaping, after a night of gobbling up plants and grass, along with grubs underneath the lawn. But David heard a story the other day about one of our neighbors being chased down the street by one of the beasties. Pretty scary considering they can get to be 400 pounds, a good chunk of which is tusks.

T-Shirt Hell

2009-03-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

We got all caught up in the hype of T-Shirt Hell closing its doors last month—which never happened because it was all a publicity stunt—so we bought this winner for Charlie.

Without a Net

2009-03-17T21:50:00.001-07:00

This is the third night Sam will sleep without her bed rails. After discovering this past weekend during a sleepover that her cousin no longer used them, she announced that the barriers were no longer necessary. So far so good.

The only time Sam fell out of bed was when we were living in Southern California. She somehow fell out, feet first, between the nightstand and bed. She landed on her feet but still needed help getting back into bed.

Fool's Gold

2009-03-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
The first time I heard about Cash4Gold, I called it shenanigans. Maybe it was the desperate, paid celebrities shilling for it or the annoying Super Bowl commercial—I just knew something wasn't right. Within a few weeks of Cash4Gold's launch, the complaints started rolling in.

Bored at work due to the slowdown in business (but not yet desperate), I decided to paint some landscaping stones metallic gold and send them in for appraisal. When I sent them in a few weeks ago, four pounds of gold nuggets should have yielded about $58,368, but I didn't get my hopes up. There was a chance that Cash4Gold would discover my diabolical plan.

Today I got back my rocks with a note stating that they were worthless. I am pretty bummed. Tomorrow I will return the rocks to our garden.

Lisa is White

2009-03-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

Lisa came across Charlie's hospital birth discharge papers today and noticed that mommy was listed as white and 41 years old—both incorrect. She was 42 and definitely not white. Who could look at Lisa (in red below) and call her white? She's half Mexican and half Chinese.

The funny thing is that on Lisa's birth certificate, her mother Delia is listed as white too.

Yet Another Activity

2009-03-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

Sammy's been nudging us for a few months to take her to the ice skating rink—the only ice skating rink for a 100-or-so mile radius. She's seen her favorite television cartoon characters skate on TV and thought she'd just get up and do a lutz, flip and triple lindy. So, we dragged our feet, not wanting to take her because of the guaranteed tantrum when she realized it wasn't as easy as it looked.

Today, David finally took her to skate with her cousin Emma and sure enough, Sam could barely move without falling. But, amazingly she kept smiling, ...getting up, brushing the ice shavings from her mittens and trying to skate again. She loved it and by the end of our visit to the rink had no need for David. He just sat on the sidelines and watched.

Needless to say, next week she starts lessons. Now her favorite activities both include water in two of its three states: liquid/swimming and solid/skating. Shes been eagerly eyeballing the steam room at our gym, but you have to be 12 years old to go in.

Moving On

2009-03-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

(David reporting)
We have a couple feral kittens hanging around our house. Not a big deal, right? Since we're on the edge of town, they and their feral friends will kill the rats before they get into the attic. That's good. But the cats have found their way into our garage and are using the nooks and crannies as their toilet, crapping everywhere.

So, this week in an effort to limit where they can go and hide, I started cleaning out all the junk in the garage. It was a tough call throwing out the Flint Journal mailbox I got during my photojournalism internship there in 1993. But my decision was validated when my old Flint Journal editor John Dixon ignored my Facebook friend request and the tanking newspaper industry had its first victim, The Rocky Mountain News. It is time to move on.

Purim Headwear

2009-03-09T23:22:00.001-07:00

(David reporting)
I love my new hot glue gun! In the last couple days, I've been making hair bows to go along with the girls' princess Purim outfits. Charlie got a large flowery bow with trailing green ribbons and a gold and pearl button.

Sammy got a reusable glow stick hat with ribbons. I made it so when the glow sticks stop glowing, you can just pop them out and connect up new ones.

New Swimming Hole

2009-03-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Our new community pool opened today and Sam and I were the first ones to use it. Almost. It was so cold—we were the only ones foolish enough to try to use it. Sam dipped her feet into the shallow end, but we headed off to our gym to use the indoor pool after a few minutes. We'll be back when the weather gets warmer.

On a related note, Sam is really getting good at swimming. Having been able to do the backstroke for a couple months already, she did the freestyle for the first time today. It was very crude, but she did it. She'll be attending a more advanced swimming class starting in a few weeks, so she'll be challenged a bit more.

Happy Birthday to You

2009-03-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

Our friends, the Fogels, made green eggs and ham for breakfast (fancy!), but we just bought a simple birthday cake for Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. He would have been 105 years old today.

Monthly Art Roundup

2009-03-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

Today was Charlie's first visit to the art studio in David's office. Admittedly, it isn't really appropriate having oriental rugs and hardwood flooring in an area where toddlers and preschoolers are flinging paint around. But, there really isn't anywhere else to do it.

So, below is a sampling of the last month in Woo-Bloxberg art: Charlie's painting, followed by Sam's Partridge Family birds and her psychedelic monkey art.

Deporting the Entire Woo Family

2009-03-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

Ever since being contacted by a previously unknown second cousin, Shuna Byrne (granddaughter of his paternal grandfather's sister), David's been getting into tracing our family's history. He bought some genealogy software and has already keyed in some 380 people from the Bloxberg, Korman and Berkowitz families. He still has to do the Gonzales, Woo and Getzug sides.

He's found some interesting things while on this journey:

A lot of relatives died in the Holocaust—about 30 so far.
Every other woman for 100 years on the Berkowitz side was named Machla.
For the last 150 years, changing surnames has been very common. Blocksberg became Bloksberg, which became Bloxberg and then Block—all within three generations. Berkovitz became Berkowitz and then Berk. Janowitz became Janus. There is zero evidence that the name changing was a result of anything other than personal tastes.

So, if we haven't said it enough to those who thought both of us hyphenating our names was silly—bugger off.

Here's one thing David found while going through some online records. Below is a page from the 1930 U.S. census canvassing for the the north San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles. Click on it and note how there is only one family living on Plummer Street: the Woos. That must have been one big asparagus farm.

Also, see how California is listed as Joseph Woo's birthplace. He was actually born in China. He feared having his true immigration/naturalizaton status being found out, claiming to be a natural-born citizen following records being lost in the San Francisco earthquake and fire. That's really the only juicy bit of information from this document. Sorry, but we may have to send the entire Woo family back to China for being here illegally.

Going Through Old Stuff

2009-02-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
I was looking for something today in some old boxes and found the following elementary school writing assignments from Feb. 1977 and 1978.

Feb 17, 1977
One day I was scuba-diving. I saw some whales and I discovered my air tank was empty. I was going crazy! I was going coco! I was too far down. I could not get up that fast. I was 1,000,000 feet below. But then I got saved.By my partner.
(graded as "It's good that you had a partner")

Feb 20, 1977
Sunny days make me feel very good. In the summer, we go swimming. We go on vacations. Mostly to Indian Wells. There are lot of tornadoes. And the wind blows very hard. One day we went to a restaurant there were two white dogs.
(graded as "Did they have a good dinner? Satisfactory")

Feb, 23, 1978
If I were a pharaoh when I died I would take my hockey stuff, the ice skating rink, gold, all my money, food camera, house, shell collection, and clothing. If people found me thousands of years later, I would put a curse on them. They would disappear in 30 days.
(graded as "Very Good! F.S.)

So, as an update to my life... I cannot stand scuba diving (not sure why I hyphenated it, but the teacher didn't correct it). I tried it a couple years after I wrote this and my sinuses killed me at about 10 feet. Never did it again.

Sunny days still make me feel good. I love swimming with my daughters now. I never go to Indian Wells any more, but I still think dust devils are really cool. I don't know what became of the two white dogs, but I assume they are very dead.

It is true about the hockey stuff. I don't even play any more, but still have a hockey bag in the garage with all my gear—gotta get rid of it already! I love my camera and do want to get buried with it, but have been thinking more and more about cremation. We'll see.

Bloxberg Family Tree

2009-02-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Yesterday I was contacted by a long lost Bloxberg relative who found us through our blog. Actually she wasn't lost. I never knew about her.

So in the limited email conversations we've had, I've heard some interesting things. First, my paternal grandfather had 10 siblings. The two youngest, both of whom were named Israel, died at or shortly after birth. Second, my great-grandfather may have had as many as three wives—not at the same time, but still my grandfather could have had more half siblings. Third, there are indications that there was some kind of feud over one of the siblings who had Down syndrome. That could be why I didn't have a clue about the Bloxbergs' history. Or it could be that Bloxbergs were never that warm and fuzzy—until I came along.

Details are sketchy and may remain so, but the most interesting FACT I've learned is that my paternal great-grandmother's maiden name was Milly "Minnie" Dick. YES, her name was MINNIE DICK. Sorry ancestor, but that is very funny.

According to Cecil Adams, the use of "dick" as coarse slang for penis first started around 1890. I'm not sure about the abbreviation "mini," but miniature was being used by ancient people in central Italy around 700 B.C.

Using a Microwave

2009-02-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Every morning I try to start the day with some Quaker Oats High Fiber Oatmeal, which keeps me moving with 40% of my daily fiber. But we've been living in this house for 16 months and I still cannot figure out how to work our damn microwave.

I can only figure out how to run it for whole minutes (1-10) at high power, which is a huge problem since it takes about 1.5 minutes to make my oatmeal. I always seem to get distracted from watching the microwave and stopping the oatmeal before it boils over. I did it yet again this morning and it is a pain to clean up.

I take after my father, whose technical skills working with microwave technology are legendary. He once tried to toast bread in a microwave. It caught fire and while my father worked to put out the flames, my brother and I scrambled to open the windows.

Damn Hippies!

2009-02-11T13:43:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Due to one of my businesses, PeacePins, I have attracted some of the freakiest hippies you can imagine. And I am sick of them. Sick, I tell you! Don't get me wrong—I love the peace movement, just not some of the more fringe people it attracts.

These God-damned extreme hippies are so oblivious to social cues that it drives me nuts. One in particular, whom I took an order from today, kept me on the phone for 30 minutes—talking my ear off about some delusional theory that he was convinced would someday save the world. I wish I could tell you what it was, but I wasn't listening. I took the opportunity to write some emails and didn't try to hide it. I typed as loudly as I could so he'd get the hint. He didn't.

Thirty minutes of my time down the toilet for a $100 order, most of which is eaten up by product cost! But, typical of these patchouli oil-wearing F%$knuts, there was no consideration that his verbal diarrhea was eating into my profit...the money I use to feed my family. He just likes hearing himself speak.

When hippies speak, it's like the brown note to me.

No More Cribs

2009-02-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

Unless we have an accident, there's no more need for cribs. David posted an ad on Craigslist—God bless, Craigslist—and within 24 hours the crib was sold to a lovely young couple who are going to have their first baby, a girl, in a few months. That's the crib below.

Shocked Fat Man

2009-02-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

We've added a new painting by Lenny Vespucci to eBay today. It is entitled "Shocked Fat Man" (pictured below) and is the first in his new series "People Who Live Near Me." We're very excited.

Lenny's last series "The Seven Deadly Sins" sold very well and was followed up with him winning a competition here in Texas Hill Country for senior citizen artists: The Joe Tillis/Hill Country Senior Center's "Over the Hill Art and Wine Festival."

Lenny has been battling a common but debilitating disorder called gynecomastia as a result of prostate issues. The condition, in his case, causes a diminished range of motion in his arms. His ability to create art has been affected, but now he's on the mend and the art is flowing again. Keep him in your prayers.

Copycats

2009-02-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

This is the kind of thing that can be misinterpreted...

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin's second child was born today. His name is Charlie. Their first child, born in 2007, was named Sam. Let's be clear that they are the ones copying us.

My Time to Bitch and Moan

2009-02-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
San Antonio is a big city in geographical area. It's a huge 412 sq mi compared to LA's 498 sq mi. It's also darn big in terms of population—1.3M people compared to San Diego's 1.25M. So you'd expect San Antonio's and Bexar county's services to be first class, right? Not necessarily so.

I had an eye opening experience with San Antonio Animal Control today, that left me wondering, ...What the hell is our city thinking!!??

First, some background... We have a colony of feral cats living in the open space behind our house and they've been using our garage as their personal toilet. It's really pissing me off (no pun intended), so I bought a live trap over the weekend and set out to trap every last one of them.

I set it up this morning and within 20 minutes, I had trapped my first varmint, a orange tabby (below). So. I blindly set off to San Antonio's ONLY animal control facility. Keep in mind that I'd been calling them for five days for info on dropping off strays and never got a live person. I left messages, but never got a call back.

Now, San Diego, which is comparable in population and area, has three conveniently located animal shelters, while San Antonio has an inconvenient one on the west side of town. But that wasn't going to stop me. I was committed to doing the right thing for the stray and drove all the way out there, hoping to be the first in line when they opened. No such luck.

The city's animal-related ordinances no longer lists feral cats as nuisances. So, in addition to driving 30 minutes to the facility and waiting 45 minutes to be seen by an overworked, shell-of-a-city employee, I had to make a sworn statement attesting to the cat's being a nuisance and then get it notarized. That was fairly annoying. Their intake procedures have replaced cats as the obvious nuisance.

But what really got my blood pressure elevated was the animal control officer laying a guilt trip on me, saying that I should instead return on Friday for their free spay & neuter clinic. She suggested I keep the cat at home for four days; buy a cage for it; spend money on food; then bring it in Friday and wait around for a few hours while they make it a eunuch; then take it home and care for it during the recuperation; and then release it back into the backyard.

Mind you, she was not suggesting that I keep it as a pet, but that I do this for every feral cat that's been using out garage a s a toilet. I feel for these unwanted animals, but get real. I have a responsibility to provide for my family and going down the path that the officer outlined was not only unrealistic, it was pretty insensitive to suggest. I'm not going to spend my money and my time, which I use to earn money, on the cats.

So, the only legal solution to our problem is having to make the long trip to animal control and spending two+ hours on each feral cat. Of course, the animal control officer reminded me that both euthanizing the cats myself and releasing them somewhere else are both illegal.

Of course, I would never kill them myself, but I may have to break the law and do some renegade capture and release. I have a list of Animal Control Advisory Board members and will probably visit to some of their homes late at night, leaving some furry presents on their front lawns.

Transformed Hair

2009-02-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Three and a half years ago I shaved my head, fed up with 36 years of having an Afro. So, I was very surprised a few weeks ago when my started really growing back, because it was growing in somewhere between straight and wavy. My lifelong dream of having long hair in a ponytail might be reality now.

I was surfing the Internet, looking for reasons for this change and found an interesting bulletin board thread. The posters write about their experiences with hair going from curly to straight and vice versa because of stress, diabetes, head injuries, blood disease, chemotherapy, grayness, tonsillectomies, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and menopause.

Duck, Luck, Truck,...

2009-02-04T15:18:00.000-08:00

While out doing errands with Daddy today, Sam started practicing her rhyming abilities—something she's come to love from her Dr. Seuss books.

She started out with duck. Moved on to luck. Then truck.. Followed by buck, suck, zuck, muck suck, suck, fuck, suck, fuck, suck, fuck, suck, fuck, suck, fuck, suck,... David wasn't sure whether to laugh or stop her, but suck doesn't have a sexual connotation to Sam and she has no idea what fuck means.

David decided not to draw attention to it, hoping that she'd stop before they went into the market.

Fourth Time's a Charm

2009-02-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

Not realizing that almost 100 million people would watch such a boring sport, we showed up at Denny's this morning—after dropping the kids off at school—for the free breakfast Denny's promised during its Super Bowl ad.

We pulled up and found a long line, which wasn't unique. Apparently, across the country, anyone who didn't need to be at work—and many who are out of work—showed up. With 1,500 restaurants in the U.S., Denny's served about 2,000,000 Grand Slams. That's about 1,333 meals in each restaurant.

We didn't think a $15 meal was worth the wait, so we headed over to a highly rated breakfast spot that we'd never been to before named Patty Lou's. It was closed. So we headed over to Marie Calendars, but it wasn't open for breakfast either (during the week). Argh!

So we looked online for restaurant reviews and found a bakery and deli called Nadler's that's been open for 46 years in San Antonio. We were pleasantly surprised with the food. Lisa had the bagel and lox plate and David had the pastrami reuben (yes it was breakfast, but we'd spent most of the morning driving from one place to another). It was no Art's Deli in Los Angeles, but it will do.

After breakfast we checked out the bakery and its five display cases full of cakes, pastries, cookies, pies,... Despite trying to eat healthier, we walked out with brownies, cookies, sweet rolls and a New Orleans apple torte. Then Lisa insisted on going back to Marie Calendars to get a pie—they were on sale.

There Are Gonna Be Some Hurt Feelings

2009-02-03T10:47:00.001-08:00

(David reporting)
Everyone is so darn lazy today. Everything has to be so instant—even soap needs to be pre-lathered for us. But what really gets me is the cost. It's a ripoff. It's a sucker' purchase. The cost per ounce is usually 20% more—compare the 10 ounces of foam soap with the 12 ounces of gel soap below, both for $3.28.

Then consider that the only difference between the two is that the foam soap is the gel soap, but diluted with water 4:1 (some recipes even suggest 5:1). How much more convenient is it when you have to pay Method to cut your soap with tap water? For the same amount of soap content as a bottle of gel ($3.28), you'd have to buy almost five bottles of the foam soap ($15.74).

I'm mad at myself, for falling into this expensive convenience myself, but I only did it once, unlike some of you lazy asses. If you like the foam so much, you can learn how to mix your own.

The Man Cave

2009-02-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Today we got a comment on the Anger Management post, asking for photos of my Man Cave with descriptions of what makes it so cool. I think I've covered this topic before, but here we go... The Man Cave is 700+ square feet, with two rooms and a full bath—my consolation for having to endure a house full of women when they all get their cycles in sync.

Below is the office part of the Man Cave, which features auto shop cabinets, a tricked-out Mac Pro with dual 24" Apple displays, tons of crap on the floor and a daybed so I can rest after a day of being a Man.

Next to the office is the entertainment room, which also has way too much crap in it. The folding table on the left is where the kids and I do our art on the weekends (really the only time they enter the Cave). I have Mexican banners on the ceiling, a nice sofa and an oversized chair, a few library cabinets and a 37" TV.

Now for the details... The TV sits on my prized Krispy Kreme display cart, which Lisa and I stole—the statute of limitations makes us immune from prosecution. A classy terry cloth Last Supper sits above and behind the TV.

A tray of fake, rubber deli food sits on the end table—which is a cardboard box—constantly reminding me that we have no Jewish deli in San Antonio.

On top of the large library cabinet is my inflatable Jesus; Clone-a-Willey personal chocolate penis cloner (unused); an Elvis head with the wig I used to perform as Nude Elvis; an Israeli gas mask, from the chemical weapon scares following 911; and a posable mannequin I use as an art reference.

The cabinet itself houses my complete Kurt Vonnegut collection; an extensive collection of books about poo; the Satanic, Jewish and Christian bibles; art reference books; and strange books I collect, like a prison survival guide for new inmates and The Field Guide to Extraterrestrials.

I love my Luchador wrestling ring, which is mounted on the wall—comes with posable luchadors.

I collect all kinds of Jesus stuff. Below is the ceramic Black Jesus wall hanging I got at a flea market.

There is so much more, but we'll end it with my Marry Poppins action figure of Dick Van Dyke; a framed, rare copy of Chassidisco Fever; and a case of Jesus-themed adhesive bandages. If you want more, check out this post about the bathroom.

Anger Management

2009-01-31T03:21:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Teaching your kids how to deal with anger in a healthy way is so difficult. It forces you to take a hard look at how you, the parent, deal with it. Sammy, like all kids her age, has been trying to figure out the best way to express herself—sometimes in pretty hurtful ways.

She's been know to spit when she's mad. She's occasionally told us that she doesn't love us anymore and that we're not her friends. We'd like to think she's learning these things in school from other kids—as opposed to thinking them up herself—because we certainly didn't teach them to her.

So, one of the solutions we're trying, thanks to a friend's suggestion, is posting an anger management chart (below). It reminds us all how we can deal with our anger, besides talking it out, of course.

When Sammy is mad, she can calm herself down by 1) reading books, 2) squeezing a pillow, and 3) playing with a plushy toy. Daddy likes to 1) read his favorite blogs and 2) run up the nearest stairs and throw himself out the window. Nah, he actually goes up to his office (a.k.a. the Man Cave) to chill and watch TV. Mommy likes to 1) surf the Internet on her computer, 2) watch the Gilmore Girls, and 3) sing German folk songs.

Meet Dolores Crum

2009-01-30T19:44:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Dolores Crum the elderly widow is my alter ego, the woman I summon when I'm feeling extra silly, ironic, abusive. She's a writer of letters, a la Lazlo Toth or Seinfeld's Letters from a Nut, but with a charming naivete.

She was born as the fictional sister of a writer I worked with at the Contra Costa Times, named Maggie Crum, whom I despised, except for her byline. Over a decade later, I cannot even tell you why I loathed Maggie—who is dead now, God rest her soul—but I remember her being a nasty person.

Sample letter:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

February 23, 2006

La-Z-Boy Inc.
Consumer Services
1284 N Telegraph Rd
Monroe, MI 48162-3390

To whom it may concern:

My son recently purchased a La-Z-Boy recliner for me from one of your local outlets, but I am displeased with the chair and cannot get satisfaction from the store.

I am diabetic and have lost both my legs (amputated at the upper thigh) to this disease. I bought the recliner hoping that it would provide me with the relaxation I desperately need right now. Unfortunately, every time I try to recline the chair flipps me backwards, over the recliner and onto the floor.

My son believes that the recliner needs balancing. I do not have legs, so there is no counter balance. I believe this is the problem also because when my dog rests on the leg part of the recliner when it is reclined, I do not fall over backwards. But my dog is not always willing to lay on the leg part of the chair. So what am I to do!?

I have included my body measurements below so you can confirm what the problem is. Please advise me of your solution.

Height now: 3 feet 3 inches
Weight now: 156 pounds
Height before amputation: 5 feet 8 inches
Weight before amputation: 185 pounds

Best Regards,
Dolores Crum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the past 13 years, Dolores has written a lot of letters, but has taken some time off until recently. It is my new year's resolution to restore my dissociative identity disorder friend and write to every member of Obama's cabinet (note she is not my only "friend"). So, here is the first installment preview of Dolores Crum and the Executive Branch. The letter will post on Monday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

February 1, 2009

Tom Vilsack, Secretary
U.S. Department of Agriculture
1400 Independence Ave., S.W.
Washington, DC 20250

Dear Mr. Vilsack,

First let me say that a lot has changed since I was a youngster like you. Back in the 1920s when I finished high school, girls like me had a couple options. To get married or become a secretary. I am glad to see that the sufferage movement, which gave me and my girlfriends the right to vote, also paved the way for men like you to become secretaries. People are so caught up on the first black president, they forget about the other firsts that came to be on January 20th.

But my letter this day is not about your new job. No. It is about broccoli. It smells.

My son, Edmund tells me that most of the fruit and vegetables we eat today is—I hope I get this right—engineered for genetics. He says they are different today than they were 50 years ago. And this sounds true because the food he buys me at the store is so different than what I bought when I was younger.

My favorite fruit is banana. They are very different. Edmund tells me that the banana I used to eat are no longer grown because of a disease in 1960.

I am back now, I just went into the other room to ask Edmund more about this. I live with him and my daughter-in-law Shirley. My grandchildren are now grown and it is just the three of us. I live with them as my dear husband's pension and social security is not enough for me to live on.

Edmund said that something called Panama disease caused the bananas I used to eat to go away. Now we eat a different kind, but they are not as good. You should have President Obama look into this disease. I do not remember Panama being punished for killing our bananas.

Since you now grow fruit and vegetables for the United States, I wonder if you can hAve the engineers for genetics make broccoli smell better? It is not bad when Edmund buys it from the store, but when Shirley cooks it, the house smells something awful. And every time we have leftovers it smells bad.

I do not remember eating broccoli when I was younger, so I do not remember the smell. Did the scientists change broccoli to smell bad when the bananas died? If they did, can you have them change it back? It really bothers me. I would get out of the house when it smells, but it takes a lot of energy at my age to do anything.

Thank you for doing this for me even though I voted for Mr. McCain and that lovely Sarah.

Sincerely,
Dolores Crum

Cowboy Breakfast

2009-01-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

The 31st annual Cowboy Breakfast was as entertaining as ever this year. Once again, Scott and David got up early (5:00 a.m.) and ventured over to the event, which organizers expected to attract 40,000 people for breakfast tacos, tamales, barbacoa, bratwursts and more.

Yeah, free food is great, but the real highlights included meeting Ronald McDonald, going mechanical bull riding (see Scott's ride below and watch him get sick)...

posing as a Buffalo Soldier on a fake horse...

and resorting to warming ourselves at the free hug booth so we didn't freeze in the 30ish degree temperature.

Product Waste

2009-01-29T15:53:00.000-08:00

(David repoting)
Now that President Obama is in office and working out everything that Bush messed up, I have no need for the President Bush line of products I sell on PeacePin.com. The stickers, except for a few of each for the archives, will be thrown out this week.

The good news is that according to U.S. law, the copyright on my registered designs/illustrations will last until the day I die, plus 70 years, which hopefully takes us into the 2100s. ...not that that gives them any monetary value down the line. Their value is defined by the fact that they no longer have value. Good-bye, Bush!

National Kazoo Day

2009-01-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today was National Kazoo Day, which was pretty damn exciting!! Apparently, if you don't get the concept of Kazoo Day, you do not have a sense of humor. David went to Party City, bought a bunch of kazoos and brought took them to Sam's class, where he taught Sam and her friends how to play. That's everyone playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" below.

Kazoo Facts:

Paul Newman was a supporter of the “Kazoo As National Instrument” movement.
The Kazoo was invented by an African American named Alabama Vest in the mid-19th century in Macon, Georgia.
There is a Captain Kazoo.
If you can hum, you can play the kazoo.
It is one of the few acoustic instruments to be developed in the United States.
On Saturday, November 17, 2007, spectators at the Bob Jones University Turkey Bowl broke the Guinness world record for the world's largest kazoo ensemble with an unofficial 3,800 (a very sad day for the kazoo).
The Texas Jug Band made San Antonio its home. This premiere jug band consisted of purists who used only traditional jug band instruments. The members used no drum set (beyond a washboard), electronic instruments, woodwinds or brass, presenting a straight acoustic sound in front of microphones. They featured guitar, five-string banjo, harmonica, washboard, jug, washtub bass and kazoo. But when jug player 'Gator Ron Raimey passed away in 2002, his bandmates chose not to carry on without him.

And now for your enjoyment, here is Mister Tim performing Metallica's "Enter Sandman":

Wasp Nests

2009-01-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
The saga of our local Red Wasps (Polistes carolina) continues. While looking for pins in the dozens of bins in the garage, I found a big wasp nest on the back of a bin. Wasps are dormant this time of year, so nothing came out to greet me, but it still scared me.

The nest was about 4 inches square, but I guess I have little to complain about compared to the guy on the right. This maniac collects wasp nests! Check out his Flickr photos.

The Best and Worst of Our Neighborhood

2009-01-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

Not to toot our own horn, but the area we moved to is kinda swanky—but not obnoxious swanky like parts of L.A (suck it yet again, L.A.). Within a few miles of our house we have an Arnold Palmer golf course, stores such as Neiman Marcus, and the Dominion estates.

But also within 1/8 of a mile from us is a wide assortment of abandoned homes (our favorites below). If we get really lucky and beat our neighbors to foreclosure when the economy really tanks, we might just be able to squat in one of them.

Sammy's Monkeys

2009-01-24T13:22:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is another post about one of our artistic geniuses, Sammy. Move on to the next entry if you are ~~offended by~~ jealous of our boasting.

Today Sam wanted to copy some monkey illustrations we found online (below).

There's her art below. Pretty cool, huh?

John Cornyn is a Weenie

2009-01-21T07:15:00.001-08:00

Yes. That is our John Cornyn, senator from the great state of Texas, holding up the Hillary Clinton nomination for Secretary of State. He is an embarrassment.

Inaugural Cheese Day

2009-01-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

We've always loved Krispy Kreme, and the free doughnut offer on inauguration day was sweet indeed. We went, got a six pack—diet be damned—and enjoyed them during the inauguration ceremony.

We bought the Valentine's Day, heart-shaped doughnuts, which Charlie loved. Sam, not so much, because hers was filled with jelly, which she is not a big fan of. Who doesn't like jelly filled?!

It was also National Cheese Day today. So, we ended the day at Chuck E. Cheese for games and a cheese pizza—as we've said, it wasn't a good day for a decent diet.

Orville Luther King Day

2009-01-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

You've got to wonder why anyone would choose January 19 for National Popcorn Day, but The Popcorn Board, a non-profit organization funded by domestic popcorn processors, thought is was a fine idea sharing its day with Martin Luther King Day.

We celebrated the day with Orville Redenbacher's Kettle Corn. Sam loved it, but Charlie slept through the entire celebration. She'll be sorry later in life when she reads this.

Today also marked the anniversary of our move to San Antonio. It's hard to believe it has been two National Popcorn Days since we got here.

Pool Puke

2009-01-18T16:47:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
Charlie puked in our gym's pool this afternoon, after swallowing too much water. I had no clue what to do. Do you tell the lifeguards and have them shut down the pool or pretend it didn't happen and quickly move her to the other side of the pool, hoping it gets blamed on someone else?

I chose option #2.

Rent

2009-01-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

(David reporting)
I don't care that Rent is based on the operatic-standard La bohème or that it's won a Pulitzer and Tony and has been running for 14 years. It sucks. I downloaded a videotaped version of the Broadway play and got through 10 minutes of it before my head exploded and I had to turn it off.

Now I know that I'm no expert, but I know what I like. Compared to the 700+ films and plays I have seen in the last two years, Rent ranks among the lowest. And I am not alone! My friend Curtis says, "every song sounds like a watered down version of something you'd heard before." True, but I also think it sounds like the rambling singing of a four-year-old. You can compare the two below: the opening number from rent and my four-year-old Sammy singing.

Little Gym

2009-01-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

Charlie and Sam ended their semesters at The Little Gym with performances and an awards ceremony.

Charlie was very cute. She showed off her gymnastics abilities on the parallel bars, balance beam and tumbling mats. She's quite a little extrovert, always wanting to get into the action in each activity. There she is (right) with her awards medal, which by the way, David produced for the gym.

Sam's performance was a little more complex than Charlie's. She and her classmates danced to Rock the Hula, one of David's favorite Elvis songs (it's from Blue Hawaii). Check it out below.